


Gifted

by keepquietplease



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, I just needed to get this off my chest, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV Second Person, Personal story, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, mentions of self harm, personal piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26858989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepquietplease/pseuds/keepquietplease
Summary: I... I needed to get this off my chest.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 5





	Gifted

You grow up hearing such good things.Such wonderful things.You’re gifted, they said, and god, it felt good to be gifted.Sure, you never slept.You had troubling thoughts about hurting yourself. You couldn't pay attention, and your grades fluctuated as a result. Sure, everything was bad, but you were gifted.That fact alone spurred you to keep moving.You just needed to keep going.

You’re eleven, maybe twelve depending on the month, sitting in your fifth grade classroom.You get a test back.A D.This is your fifth one.You’re gifted, yes, and this is all there is to show it.You got the answer wrong, but there was no work to show how you got that answer.You couldn’t explain how you did it.The ones you did explain were also wrong in one way or another.Small errors that messed up your answer.Maybe you didn’t read the instructions clearly.You get told you’ll be kicked off the soccer team if these grades continue, and you don’t understand.You promise to get your grades up, and you finish with a B.

You’re thirteen.You’re on two different medications.One for ADHD, and one for depression and insomnia. You've tried to kill yourself thrice now. You’re still struggling with pushing yourself to actually work.Your grades in math and Spanish are plummeting as we speak.You know math.You know how to do basic algebra.You just can’t explain it.Reading is more difficult.Sure, you can read all of Shakespeare and get the general idea, but god forbid you have to follow instructions clearly and concisely.Fuck, your bar mitzvah is coming up.Learning two languages at the same time is taking a toll on you.The morning meds wear off by one, so it’s harder to stay focused after that point.You’re too scared to ask your family for help because you’re supposed to be gifted.Maybe next year you’ll get good grades.The even grades always seem to result in high Bs, so maybe this is a fluke.  Next year, you'll do well. You're just a bit overwhelmed, and you don't have any friends to rely on. You pray the medication works.

You’re sixteen.A third medication entered your life.One for anxiety.You’re scared of cars and learning to drive due to past traumatic events, so you refuse.You take the bus everywhere.It’s safer.For the first time in your life, you’ve made honors.You’re surprised.You gave up this year, refusing to study or try at anything.Maybe it’s because you like pre-calc, or maybe it’s because robotics and coding is easier than a spoken language.You’re preparing for standardized testing.Your comprehension skills got better because you read instructions over and over again until the words play in your mind at night.You’ve been given extra time, and it helps a lot. The same reasons you're gifted were the qualifications for extra time. For the first time, you wonder if gifted meant disabled.

You’re eighteen.You just submitted your final college essay.You heard word that one of your top choices was shutting down for a year.The president of that college would email you a month later saying it didn’t have the proper funding for a new class unless you applied for early decision. You didn't. You still work hard.Your essay is in the third person, and you’re recommended to change that since it depicts your whole life instead of a moment.It’s your coming out story, and you refuse.You proceed to get accepted into each college—not a big deal since you applied to only four with high acceptance rates, but it meant a lot.You tell your parents you need to go to this specific one.You have to go there, you say.They’re hesitant, wanting you to experience other colleges, but they agree.

You’re nineteen.You struggle being social.You just stopped taking your anxiety meds.You made friends, sure, but every day you wonder if they secretly hate you.You’re not funny, and you struggle keeping up conversations once they seem to end. You've had two roommates. The first one studied abroad, and you're on good terms with both of them, but you're not friends. You decide to switch your major.You miss taking math classes, and your one professor says it may be a good idea.You do so, and you fall in love with calculus immediately. Sometimes you still mess up and make a minor error, but your grades are high. You apply for honors with a GPA of 3.93. You started smoking, and it's alright, you suppose. You can't do it before you meet up with someone because the smell spikes your anxiety, but it's fine. You found a new addiction in getting tattoos. You have three, and you'll be getting a fourth soon.

You’re still nineteen.Almost twenty.Virtual learning has taken a toll on you and your professors.Your motivation is gone.You’re writing this down in your notes when you should be performing a lab.It’s due at midnight.You still love calculus, but linear algebra and physics are proving to be tough.Your family tells you they’re hard classes, and it’s okay that you’re slipping.You shouldn’t be.You’re supposed to be smarter than this.You’re the smart kid who somehow manages to always pass the class with a B- as an overall grade at least.What’s your purpose if not that?How much will your GPA drop?

You debate transferring.If you transfer, you can have a brief moment without classes.You don’t want to lose your scholarships.You’ve already dropped honors, not having the time to take those classes.You don’t talk to people as much.Your family is worried.You spend so much time in your room, trying to get things right.Trying your hardest to pass your classes and have a healthy outlet to express your emotions.Writing has been a fun activity, both personal stories and fan fiction.Even if you’re unsure of your writing, it helps you.

You want to apply for extra time in college, but you need to get retested.It costs so much to get tested.You can’t afford it.Maybe if you memorize everything for a test, it’ll help, but you won’t learn shit.You decide that right now, grades are more important than knowledge.You make a note, saying when you become a teacher, you’ll change it for your students.You don’t know how, but you will.

You’re a gifted child, and you begin to wonder if that’s really a good thing.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I'll return to the written requests soon.


End file.
